Fear of something bad happening in the future is one of the things that make us human.
Animals might fear an immediate danger, that is happening right now, but only we fear something that might happen, that isn’t happening now, that isn’t even showing its ugly face at the moment.
This fear, some might say, is necessary … it stops us from doing something stupid. But I’ve found most of these fears to be unnecessary, to be baseless, to be holding us back from achieving something.
I recently asked my Twitter friends: “What fear is holding you back?” Their responses included:
* failure
* abandonment/rejection
* intimacy
* success
* being broke
* not being good enough
I think the last one — not being good enough — is actually at the root of all the others. We fear we’ll fail because we’re not good enough. We fear we’ll lose our relationships, that we’ll be abandoned, that we’ll be rejected … because we’re not good enough. We fear intimacy for the very same reason — we might get rejected because we’re not good enough. Even the fear of success is based on the worry that we’re not good enough.
Do you have this fear? That you’re not good enough? I have, for all my life, and I still have it today.
But here’s the thing: having the fear is natural. Letting it stop you from going after your dreams is a tragedy.
I did this, for well over a decade of my adult life. I let the fear of not being good enough stop me from even trying, from even daring to dream.
It turned out that my fears were baseless. I am good enough. I’m not perfect, but who is?
When I was able to overcome this fear of not being good enough, this fear of failure and rejection, and put myself out there in the world, I succeeded. I found out that I was good enough.
And I still have this same fear — I still worry that I’m not good enough, that I’ll fail and flop on my face in front of 100,000 people … but I wouldn’t be human if I didn’t. Even the most successful people — Barack Obama, Steve Jobs, Paul McCartney, J.K. Rowling, et al — they have this fear, even if they don’t show it. But they don’t let it hold them back.
How can you do this? Let’s look into it.
“The greatest barrier to success is the fear of failure.” - Sven Goran Eriksson
How to Beat Your Fears
There is no step-by-step program to beating your fears, but here’s what I’ve learned, first-hand and from others.
1. First, acknowledge your fear. This is a huge first step. If you do just this today, you’ve done something great. Many of us have these fears, but they are at the back of our mind, unnoticed, unacknowledged, as we try to ignore them and pretend they’re not there. But they are there. And they affect us, every day, all our lives. So acknowledge the fear.
2. Write it down. What’s your fear? Write it on a piece of paper. Writing it down not only acknowledges that you have it — bringing it out into the light — but it externalizes the fear. It takes the fear from the dark lurking places in the back of your mind, where it has power over you, out into the light of day, outside of you, where you have power over the fear. Take control over it by writing it down. It is now outside you. You can do something about it. I personally like to crumple it up and stomp on it, but you can do whatever you like. Post it on your fridge as a reminder of your enemy.
3. Feel the fear. You’ve acknowledged it, but you’re still afraid of it. You’re reluctant to even have this fear, perhaps even embarrassed about it. Well, no more. Recognize that you’re not alone, that we ALL have these fears, that we all think we might not be good enough. Yes, even the amazing Barack, the amazing Jessica Alba, the amazing Al Pacino. They have the same fears as you do. I sure do. Repeat after me: there’s nothing wrong with having this fear. Now allow yourself to feel it. Experience it fully. Bask in this fear. It isn’t as bad as you think. It’s a part of you, but it doesn’t control you. From djbarker on Twitter: “Feel the fear & do it anyway.”
4. Ask yourself: what’s the worst thing that can happen? Often it’s not as bad as we think. Do you fear failing in a new career? What would happen if you did? You’d get another job. You’d move on. You’d live. Do you fear being rejected by someone of the opposite sex? What would happen if you were? You’d lick your wounds, you’d find someone else who is more suited for you, you’d live. Do you fear being broke? What would happen if you were? You’d cut back on your expenses, perhaps ask family or friends to help you out for a little bit. You’d find a way to make money. You’d live.
5. Just do it. To repeat: feel the fear and do it anyway. To beat the fear, you have to just do it. See below for some tips on doing this, but what works for me is not thinking, just acting. Like when you want to jump off a waterfalls into the pool below: don’t think about it. Just jump! It’s an exhilarating feeling. I fear public speaking, but when I get up and just do it, I feel great. From Jade Craven on Twitter: “I fear everything. I’ve recently decided to ignore my fears and just go for it! So many opportunities have come as a result.”
6. Prepare yourself for battle. When you’re going to take on an adversary, you prepare yourself. You arm yourself, and have a battle plan, and train yourself. Do this in your battle against your fear: arm yourself, have a battle plan, train yourself. If you want to be a musician but you fear failure … practice, practice, practice, then come up with a plan to succeed, then get all the skills and info you need to implement the plan, then practice some more. Then go out and implement the plan!
7. Be in the moment. Fear of failure (and other similar fears) are fears of the future. We get caught up in worrying about what might happen. Instead, banish all thoughts of the future. Banish even thoughts of past mistakes and failures. Now focus on right now. Do something right now to beat your fears, to pursue your dreams, and forget about what might happen. Just do it, now, in the moment. When you find yourself thinking about the past or future, bring yourself back in the moment and focus on what you’re doing right at this moment.
8. Small steps. Conquering fear and pursuing a life goal can be overwhelming, intimidating. So start small. Just take one little baby step. Something you know you can do. Something you’re sure to succeed at. Then feel good about that (see below) and take another small baby step. Keep doing this, and soon you’ll have conquered a mountain.
9. Celebrate every success! Every single thing you do right, celebrate! Even the smallest little thing. And use this feeling of success, of victory, to propel yourself forward and take the next step. Bill Gates describes a “spiral of success” that he used to build Microsoft up from its early success of MS-DOS, to its success with Windows and Word and Excel and Internet Explorer and all that (I know, blech, but still). Use this idea of a spiral of success in your life — build upon each success, use it as a stepping stone to the next victory.
“To conquer fear is the beginning of wisdom.” - Bertrand Russell
"每當(dāng)我們逃避困難,就會(huì)增加對(duì)困難本身的恐懼"- Cheri Huber
對(duì)未來(lái)可能會(huì)發(fā)生的壞事產(chǎn)生恐懼是人性的一部分.
動(dòng)物也許會(huì)害怕眼前發(fā)生的危險(xiǎn),但只有人才會(huì)恐懼那些也許將來(lái)會(huì)發(fā)生的事情,那些現(xiàn)在并沒(méi)有發(fā)生,甚至還沒(méi)有露出可怕面貌的事情.
這種恐懼,有人也許會(huì)說(shuō)是必要的...因?yàn)樗茏柚刮覀冏錾凳?但我發(fā)覺(jué)大部分這些對(duì)未知的恐懼是不必要而且沒(méi)有基礎(chǔ)的,是會(huì)阻礙我們實(shí)現(xiàn)目標(biāo)的.
我最近在Twitter上問(wèn)我的朋友們:"對(duì)什么恐懼正讓你止步不前?"他們的回復(fù)包括:
* 失敗
* 被遺棄或被拒絕
* 親昵感
* 成功
* 破產(chǎn)
* 自己可能不夠好
我想最后一條 - 自己可能不夠好 - 應(yīng)該是其他所有恐懼的根源.我們害怕因?yàn)樽约翰粔蚝枚?害怕因?yàn)槲覀冏约翰粔蚝枚ヅc某人的感情,那樣就會(huì)被拋棄,被拒絕.因?yàn)橥瑯拥脑蚨ε屡c人親近 - 也許因?yàn)樽约翰粔蚝枚粍e人拒絕. 甚至因?yàn)閾?dān)心自己可能不夠好而對(duì)成功也產(chǎn)生恐懼.
你有過(guò)這樣的恐懼么?有過(guò)對(duì)自己的懷疑么? 我有,我的生活中一直都有這樣的感覺(jué),直到今天我還有這樣的恐懼.
但事實(shí)上:恐懼感是與生俱來(lái)的.不幸的是恐懼感正是阻止你追求自己的夢(mèng)想的最大障礙.
在過(guò)去10年里作為成年人的生活我一直是這樣的.對(duì)"自己可能不夠好"的恐懼感讓我對(duì)追求夢(mèng)想的嘗試,甚至讓我不敢奢望的去想起夢(mèng)想.
但結(jié)果是我的恐懼是完全沒(méi)有理由的.事實(shí)上我夠好.我不是完美的人,但是誰(shuí)又是完美的呢?
當(dāng)我能戰(zhàn)勝對(duì)"自己不夠好"的恐懼,戰(zhàn)勝對(duì)失敗和被拒絕的恐懼之后,在自己的生活中,我成功了.我認(rèn)識(shí)到我其實(shí)是足夠好的.
雖然我還是懷有同樣的恐懼的 - 我依舊會(huì)擔(dān)心我是不是不夠好,還會(huì)擔(dān)心我會(huì)在千萬(wàn)人的面前丟盡面子...但如果沒(méi)有這些就不能算是完整的人生了.就算是最成功的人們 - 奧巴馬總統(tǒng),史蒂夫.喬布斯,保羅.麥卡尼,J.K.羅琳,等等這樣的人也會(huì)擁有同樣的恐懼.但他們不會(huì)讓恐懼成為阻礙.
你需要怎樣做?讓我們來(lái)深入研究一下.
"通向成功最大的阻礙就是對(duì)失敗的恐懼" - Sven Goran Eriksson
怎樣戰(zhàn)勝你的恐懼
其實(shí)沒(méi)有那種按部就班的方法去對(duì)付恐懼,但這里有一些我從自己或者他人身上學(xué)到的經(jīng)驗(yàn):
1. 首先,承認(rèn)你的恐懼. 這是最大的一步跨越.如果今天你能實(shí)現(xiàn)這一步,這就是卓越的進(jìn)步.大多數(shù)人都擁有恐懼,只不過(guò)我們把它們置之腦后,讓它們不被察覺(jué),不被承認(rèn), 被我們忽略而假裝這些恐懼并不存在.但他們確實(shí)在那兒.而且會(huì)在生命中的每一天影響我們.所以,你需要承認(rèn)這些恐懼的存在.
2. 把你的恐懼寫(xiě)下來(lái).什么使你恐懼?把它寫(xiě)在一張紙上.這樣做能使你承認(rèn)這些恐懼的存在 - 把它們擺在陽(yáng)光之下 - 還能將恐懼趕出頭腦之外.將頭腦中陰暗角落里那些控制你的恐懼置于陽(yáng)光之下,就能反過(guò)來(lái)讓你有力量反過(guò)來(lái)控制恐懼.寫(xiě)下并主宰你的恐懼.現(xiàn)在就在面對(duì)它. 你可以對(duì)這些寫(xiě)在紙上的恐懼做出行動(dòng).我會(huì)將它們?cè)谑种絮遘k甚至踩在腳下,你也可以用其他的辦法. 你甚至可以把它們貼在冰箱上時(shí)刻提醒你這些生活中的敵人.
3. 感受恐懼. 你已經(jīng)承認(rèn)你對(duì)這些事物的恐懼,但你還是會(huì)懼怕他們. 你不想擁有這些恐懼,也許甚至不想把他們復(fù)雜化. 你并不用害怕.只要理解并不只有你才有這樣的恐懼,我們每個(gè)人都有,我們每個(gè)人都會(huì)懷疑自己做的不夠好.這可以肯定,甚至是令人尊敬的奧巴馬總統(tǒng),完美的杰西卡. 奧爾芭,令人敬畏的阿爾.帕西諾. 他們都擁有和你一樣的恐懼. 我也毫不列外. 請(qǐng)跟我重復(fù)這句話:恐懼并不是錯(cuò)誤. 現(xiàn)在讓自己去感受它.深入的體驗(yàn)它.將自己暴露在恐懼之中.它并不像你想像的那樣糟糕.它是你生活的一部分,但他不能控制你.在Twitter 上的朋友DJBARKER說(shuō):"感受恐懼并義無(wú)反顧的行動(dòng)."
4. 問(wèn)你自己:最壞的結(jié)果會(huì)是怎樣?對(duì)事物的恐懼并沒(méi)有我們想象的那樣糟糕. 你會(huì)不會(huì)害怕在新工作中失敗?如果你失敗了將會(huì)怎樣?你會(huì)換一個(gè)工作,會(huì)繼續(xù)前行.你會(huì)活下去.你會(huì)不會(huì)害怕被某個(gè)異性拒絕?如果被拒絕了又會(huì)怎樣?你會(huì)舔舐內(nèi)心的傷口,會(huì)繼續(xù)尋找更適合你的人,你也會(huì)活下去.你會(huì)不會(huì)害怕破產(chǎn)?如果破產(chǎn)了又會(huì)怎樣?你會(huì)節(jié)衣縮食,也許會(huì)向你的家人朋友尋求一點(diǎn)幫助.你會(huì)找到掙錢(qián)的辦法.但你依然會(huì)繼續(xù)活下去.
5. 只管去做. 跟我一起重復(fù)這句話:感受恐懼并義無(wú)反顧的行動(dòng).要想打敗恐懼,你必須要放手去做.對(duì)我來(lái)說(shuō)最管用的方法不是思考,而是直接行動(dòng).就像站在瀑布上想要跳入下面的池水的時(shí)候:不要再猶豫了.直管放膽一躍!那是令人激動(dòng)的感覺(jué).我害怕在公開(kāi)場(chǎng)合演講,但當(dāng)我站起身來(lái)直接上臺(tái)后,我感覺(jué)好極了.Twitter上的Jade Craven 說(shuō):"以前我懼怕所有事.但我決定現(xiàn)在不管他們直接行動(dòng).結(jié)果反而是無(wú)數(shù)機(jī)會(huì)出現(xiàn)我面前."
6. 為挑戰(zhàn)做好準(zhǔn)備.如果要挑戰(zhàn)敵人,你會(huì)讓自己做好準(zhǔn)備.你會(huì)武裝自己,制定計(jì)劃,然后不斷訓(xùn)練自己.同樣為挑戰(zhàn)恐懼做好準(zhǔn)備:武裝自己,制定計(jì)劃,訓(xùn)練自己. 如果你想做一名音樂(lè)家但又害怕失敗...練習(xí),練習(xí),在練習(xí),然后為你的成功制定計(jì)劃,努力獲取一切實(shí)踐計(jì)劃所需的技能和信息,然后再做更多的練習(xí).最后邁出步伐去實(shí)現(xiàn)你的計(jì)劃吧!
7. 活在現(xiàn)在.對(duì)失敗的恐懼(和其他相似的擔(dān)憂)其實(shí)是對(duì)未來(lái)的恐懼.我們沉溺于擔(dān)心那些將來(lái)也許根本就不會(huì)發(fā)生的事情.但其實(shí)應(yīng)該做的,是排除對(duì)未來(lái)的擔(dān)心.甚至排除對(duì)過(guò)去的錯(cuò)誤和失敗的思考.僅僅專(zhuān)注于現(xiàn)在.立刻為戰(zhàn)勝你的恐懼而行動(dòng),為實(shí)現(xiàn)你的夢(mèng)想而行動(dòng),忘記那些可能根本就不會(huì)發(fā)生的事情.只管去做,現(xiàn)在,就在此刻.當(dāng)你擔(dān)心將來(lái)的失敗或者回憶起過(guò)去的失敗經(jīng)驗(yàn)的時(shí)候,把自己帶回現(xiàn)在,專(zhuān)注于現(xiàn)在你正在實(shí)踐的行動(dòng).
8. 小步前進(jìn). 征服自己的恐懼感和實(shí)現(xiàn)人生的目標(biāo)可能是極其龐大的任務(wù)和巨大的壓力.所以請(qǐng)從小事開(kāi)始.只要邁出小小的一步.一件你知道自己可以完成的事.一件你肯定可以成功做到的事.為自己的成功而高興然后再邁出一小步,也許很快你就會(huì)發(fā)現(xiàn)自己征服了一座人生的高山...
9. 慶祝每一個(gè)成就!哪怕是在小的成功.慶祝每一件你作對(duì)的事情! 運(yùn)用這種成功和勝利的感覺(jué),推動(dòng)自己去實(shí)現(xiàn)下一個(gè)目標(biāo).比爾蓋茨曾經(jīng)描述過(guò)"成功的循環(huán)"就是關(guān)于他如何利用MS-DOS的成功繼而一步步實(shí)現(xiàn)了 Windows,Word,Excel,和IE瀏覽器在市場(chǎng)上的巨大成功.在你的生活中借鑒這種成功的循環(huán) - 讓每次成功相互促進(jìn),成為你奠定勝利的基石.
"征服恐懼就是智慧的開(kāi)始" - Bertrand Russell
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