It was only a few weeks after my surgery, and I went to Dr. Belt's office for a checkup. It was just after my first chemotherapy treatment.
My scar was still very tender. My arm was numb underneath. This whole set of unique and weird sensations was like having a new roommate to share the two-bedroom apartment formerly known as my breasts - now lovingly known as "the breast and the chest."
As usual, I was taken to an examination room to have my blood drawn, again - a terrifying process for me, since I'm so frightened of needles.
I lay down on the examining table. I'd worn a big plaid flannel shirt and a camisole underneath. It was a carefully thought out costume that I hoped others would regard as a casual wardrobe choice. The plaid camouflaged my new chest, the camisole protected it and the buttons on the shirt made for easy medical access.
Ramona entered the room. Her warm sparkling smile was familiar, and stood out in contrast to my fears. I'd first seen her in the office a few weeks earlier. She wasn't my nurse on that day, but I remember her because she was laughing. She laughed in deep, round and rich tones. I remember wondering what could be so funny behind that medical door. What could she possibly find to laugh about at a time like this? So I decided she wasn't serious enough about the whole thing and that I would try to find a nurse who was. But I was wrong.
This day was different. Ramona had taken my blood before. She knew about my fear of needles, and she kindly hid the paraphernalia under a magazine with a bright blue picture of a kitchen being remodeled. As we opened the blouse and dropped the camisole, the catheter on my breast was exposed and the fresh scar on my chest could be seen.
She said, "How is your scar healing?"
I said, "I think pretty well. I wash around it gently each day." The memory of the shower water hitting my numb chest flashed across my face.
She gently reached over and ran her hand across the scar, examining the smoothness of the healing skin and looking for any irregularities. I began to cry gently and quietly. She brought her warm eyes to mine and said, "You haven't touched it yet, have you?" And I said, "No."
So this wonderful, warm woman laid the palm of her golden brown hand on my pale chest and she gently held it there. For a long time. I continued to cry quietly. In soft tones she said, "This is part of your body. This is you. It's okay to touch it." But I couldn't. So she touched it for me. The scar. The healing wound. And beneath it, she touched my heart.
Then Ramona said, "I'll hold your hand while you touch it." So she placed her hand next to mine, and we both were quiet. That was the gift that Ramona gave me.
That night as I lay down to sleep, I gently placed my hand on my chest and I left it there until I dozed off. I knew I wasn't alone. We were all in bed together, metaphorically speaking, my breast, my chest, Ramona's gift and me.
手術過后沒多久，我到貝爾特醫生那里去復查。這時我剛剛結束第一個療程的化療。
傷口依然很疼，胳膊麻木而沒有感覺。同時在心里則產生了一種種奇特的感覺，就像是一套兩居室的公寓換了主人一樣，以前的房客是兩個乳房，而現在則是“乳房和胸膛。”
像往常一樣，我被帶到化驗室抽血，這對我又是一次考驗，我很怕打針。
我躺到檢驗臺上。身上穿著寬大的彩格呢法蘭絨襯衫和貼身小背心，對于這套精心挑選的服飾，我卻希望在外人看來是種隨意的便裝。寬大的襯衫掩飾了我殘缺的乳房，而小背心又很好地保護了它，同時這種帶紐扣的襯衫方便對傷口檢查。
拉蒙娜走進了房間。熱情洋溢的笑容親切而熟悉，與我的恐懼形成鮮明對比。幾個星期前我在醫生的辦公室第一次看見她，那天她并不是護理我的護士，但是我卻記住了她，因為她那夸張地笑聲。那是種低沉、連續而又熱烈的笑聲。我還記得當時困惑地想病房里會有什么如此有趣的事情呢？最后卻得出結論，她對工作不夠認真，于是我就想知道她到底是哪個。但是，我錯了。
今天不同。拉蒙娜以前給我抽過血，知道我害怕打針。她好心地把那些東在一份雜志下面，雜志的封面上是一間廚房的大照片。我脫下襯衫和背心，插在乳房上的導管露了出來，胸膛上的傷疤也暴露無遺。
她問道，“傷口愈合的怎么樣？”
“很好。我每天都輕輕地清洗傷口的四周。”我說著這些的時候，眼前閃過洗澡水擊打在麻木的胸膛上的畫面。
她輕輕地靠近，用手撫摸著傷疤，檢查新生的皮膚的光滑程度，尋找有沒有不規則的地方。我開始輕輕地啜泣。她用關心的眼神看著我，問道，“你還沒有碰過它，對嗎？”“恩。”我答道。
于是這個熱情善良的人把她金褐色的手掌輕輕地放在我蒼白的胸口上，很久很久，我卻沒有停止哭泣。然后，她溫柔地說道，“這是你身體的一部分，這就是你。摸一摸它吧，沒關系的。”但是我做不到。于是，她就那樣替我撫摸著它，那個傷疤，那個正在愈合的傷口。而在那下面，她愛撫著的是我的心。
最后，拉蒙娜建議道，“我握著你的手，你去撫摸它。”然后她把手放到我的手旁邊，我們都安靜下來。那是拉蒙娜送給我的禮物。
那天晚上，當我躺到床上時，我輕輕地把手放到胸膛上，直到睡去。我知道我不再孤單，乳房、胸膛、拉蒙娜的禮物，還有我，我們一起躺在這張床上。
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