First, the second part of that title isn’t true. You either forgot who loves you, or need to find more people who do.
But there may be times where you feel alone and depressed — just about everyone has spells like that, or is strong enough to admit it. It’s not easy to talk about, but loneliness, feeling unwanted, and even self-hate from time to time is extremely common. If your hermiting drags on for weeks, you’ll want the help of healthcare experts, but if it’s not so severe and happens on occasion, here’s some vibrant and practical suggestions for you:
Gather a “praise pile”
Ideally, you’ll want to do this before you’re in a downer — it serves as a life preserver when you’re in the “eye of the storm”.
Compile the love you’ve felt: a handwritten note from your Mom, a photo of you and your best buds at the lake together, and awards you’ve won. They don’t have to be recent — recognition spans your whole life. And they don’t have to be physical, either; I’ve used the Firefox ScrapBook add-on to do what its offline analogue does: clip and save kind words from others. Like my lifehack comments. ;)
So when I feel like I’m not being cared about, I take a quick look at the “praise pile”, and put what’s happening in perspective: others have cared about me before, and they will again. And perhaps most importantly, by realizing this, I care about myself. This is a process and never happens immediately. One can’t instantly “snap out of it”. It “takes time”, as the trite-but-true saying goes. But oh, how true it is.
According to How to get Rich, Donald Trump keeps a box of mementos much as what I’ve described. He sure seems like he loves himself a lot.
Give up on something worth dropping
Burdens are bedfellows with loneliness. Some people who’d like to have more of a social life are crushed by the rat race, or their own compounded fears which hold them back. By dropping what I often call “slop” (waste unnecessary to your enjoyment of life), it frees you to take on more meaningful things (keep reading!). Less worry means more freedom to self-explore and pursue interests.
Why does this sound so obvious? Because it is. But it may only be during a time of emotional inner turbulence that you can summon the strength to unchain yourself.
Don’t overthink — that makes it worse. If you watched the recent Olympics in Beijing, notice how many top athletes (gymnasts in particular) have such a fluid momentum that you might wonder if they’re thinking consciously at all. As any great performer knows, and as controversial as “muscle memory” may be, repeated practice leads to what’s dubbed “second nature”, or a threshold surpassed in which analyzing evolves to intuition based on past experiences.
When you find yourself especially stressed or anxious, those are otherwise-unpleasant moments you can use to your advantage. Especially if you’re crying and in a lot of anguish, determine in a flash what’s worth keeping, and visualize it like this: you are a burning building. If you could rush into yourself and save only a handful of things to take to a new you, what will they be?
Write them down, and set the list aside until you feel more rational. Then look at it again, and join your thoughts of the now with what you had felt then. This can be a potent truth-revealing exercise and puts you on the right track.
Find something new worth fighting for
By “fight”, I refer not to violence. Rather, I speak of a cause you can champion and stand up for. The “fight” here is versus adversity. Your cause may be a charity that improves others’ lives, or even a campaign to save a TV show. Notice how these purposes require others to get involved — they’re inherently social, and even though you may not think about so much about that (and shouldn’t), they’ll lead to you interacting with others, feeling less lonely.
Being recognized as a maverick and a leader isn’t a deliberate process you need to set up like a goal. Rather, the goals here are more about the innate satisfaction and Happiness you’ll feel.
A couple examples from my experiences: when I felt snobs were scaring away novices from enjoying electronic music, I spoke up against them, serving as a pillar of light for new fans. I wrote reviews and guides, increasing techno music’s accessibility. The adulation felt awesome. And more recently in a professional capacity, I’ve connected knowledge resources for the virtual world of Second life, helping our community to have happier experiences. I began as a fan, and came to love what I do (and myself) so much that I ended up working for the company.
Growth is like that — you may not know where you’ll precisely end up, but you should always be passionate about growth and know where you want to head. Even if it’s not a single direction, mixing disciplines and skillsets will create a unique fusion that no one else has, and that’s a strong reason to love your uniqueness.
Celebrate your similarities AND differences
Too many people make the mistake of singling out what’s common or how they’re different. This is defective, too-filtered thinking, because success is neither wholly familiar or alien: it’s both. All of us are humans and subject to emotions. By consequence, all of us have problems — but some of us deal with them more effectively than others. We are all variations on a common theme.
If you’re concerned about body image, it’s good for all humans to be healthy. But it’s unachievable to duplicate someone else’s figure — Jocelyn Wildenstein taught us that with her approximation of a cat. After perusing existing possibilities, you need to do what’s right for you (including Jocelyn — if she’s happy, that’s what matters) and being inspired by someone isn’t the same as cloning them: it’s taking your hero’s “recipe” and improvising a new mix with it.
Be brave about what you really like
I used to get dirty faces when I opined how much I liked Britney Spears’ song, “Toxic“. I’m fond of the slick music video coupled with the angular strings and slammin’ beats. Britney’s voice wasn’t bad, either. I don’t approve of her recent lifestyle choices, but true to my heart, that song was a masterpiece!
Many people have secret “guilty pleasures”, be they pop songs or other recreational activities. If it does no harm to your health and well-being, why must it be guilty? Strip away the “layers of mindfat” and be earnest. This prepares you to meet other likeminds (as opposed to “lowminds”, who don’t contribute to your interests).
Here’s the problem: so many of us, even those who are no longer teens or in college, live under the specter of “peer pressure”. We’re afraid we “won’t fit in” if we speak to the contrary. And especially if we dig something that’s popular, we’ll be subjected to redundant reminders like “Just because it’s popular doesn’t mean it’s good”.
You need not get into wasteful wordwars and endless debates about the merits of something. If you feel a certain other person or group repeatedly opposes what you care about and that’s regularly getting you down, then spend more time with people who do share your appreciation. The Internet is laden with all manner of subcultures and microcliques, so even if you’re geographically-challenged, it’s possible to find others you connect with.
We infact live in an era of social networking saturation, so I approve of trying various tools and simply sticking with what you use regularly — doing reveals being, and you may just clowning around… but hey! you’re in this together.
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Furthermore, some minor threads expand grossly when more people speak up about how much they like ‘em, e.g., how Gaia Online and deviantART have expanded from tiny niches to nourish vast anime communities. Investing in your Happiness is like playing the stock market: subject to fluctuation, but hopeful for long-term growth.
Be a little more selfish
Selfishness is always bad, right? Of course not! (What’s up with these lame generalizations?) Some people are prone to giving too much to others and not feeding themselves, so if this is you, you need to adjust. My wife once shared her meat story with me, which is a delicious, terse tale about feeding yourself, and being careful who you give your “meat” (yourself, essentially) to.
You need to be strong before you can strengthen others. It’s true that in giving to others, you may experience a positive feedback loop of joy, but you need something to start that off.
Feeling your own dreams are denied because you’re always supporting others? Let them know what you want to pursue, and if they’re quality people, they should come to collaborate on yours in-kind.
Love flows both ways in the best relationships.
Adapt, evolve, iterate
A single word, and a powerful one, with linked notions like “evolve” and “iterate”! I’m a genre geek, so I’ve got to mention the beast who killed Superman, Doomsday. If you’re not familiar with his backstory, he was an alien creature who was subject to repeated death, reincarnated repeatedly to adapt to harsher conditions (and more death). He evolved to a level where he could, well, murder Supes. Less-gruesome variations on this theme can be found in Stargate SG-1’s Replicators and The Incredibles‘ Omnidroid.
For some reason, I can’t think of any heroic examples at the moment, so you’ll want to be the opposite of the aforementioned: emotions come in cycles, and each time you go through feeling unloved, benefit from it. Go deep inside your head and familiarize yourself with why you feel this way, what triggers it, and when this is most likely to happen. By learning you, you’ll have better control over the cause-and-effect of your unHappiness. Extreme cases require medical treatment, but in the vast majority of instances, you have, or will adapt to have the power to do something substantial.
Write a guide helping others
Here we are — the self-referential part! Yet, sharing experiences is valuable. If you have a blog, or even make a comment on someone else’s blog, you may help others. And they may let you know — I hope so!
Save that feedback in your “praise pile”. You’ll need it for a rainy day, to remind you of the good you’ve done.
Don’t ever think “I’m not good enough” or “I don’t know enough”. Having struggled with pain, you’re good enough. Having experienced suffering, you know all about it.
With all the talk about “believing in yourself”, that should never be taken in a vacuum. Each one of us is influenced in positive and negative ways by external forces, and our lives are never static. The balance is dynamic, our moods shifting by day, or even by hours. What we choose to expose ourselves to and participate in is a large deterministic factor on our world outlook, and this is especially true in an age where more people choose what news they’ll watch, not because it reports with objectivity, but because it tells them what they want to hear. (A topic I may expand on later.)
writing a guide — even if it’s a few self-confessional paragraphs — provides self-validation, too. Simply “getting it out” makes you feel better, and based on what I said above, don’t waste attention on those who don’t appreciate your bravery. Gravitate to those who do.
Ultimately, it’s initially hard to “pull yourself out” when you’re feeling kicked like a stray dog. But this is why I shared the above — there’ve been times where I was sure everyone hated me, but then I realized (with increasing strength over the years) that this was just a temporal lie, my fallible emotions playing a nasty trick.
I rode through the proverbial storm with “praise pile” in hand, discovered new things about myself along the way, and went through that cycle enough times to arrive where I’m at today. That’s why I’m sharing this with you.
首先，我得說標題的第二部分是不對的。你不會忘記愛你的人，也不必找更多愛你的人。
你可能有感覺孤獨和沮喪的時候—幾乎所有的人都那樣說過，或有那么承認過。說這些并不容易，但經常孤獨，感覺不被需要，甚至自厭都是很平常的事情。如果你孤獨的情況延續了好幾周，你可能需要健康護理專家的幫助。如果沒有那么嚴重，只是偶爾才那樣的話，這里有一些實用的好建議：
收集”贊美集冊“”
理想而言，你可能想在服用鎮定劑之前做這些—在你處于“暴風中心“時，它會充當救生工具。
收集你所感覺到的關愛：媽媽手寫的函件，你和最好的朋友在湖邊的合影，還有你所贏得的獎勵。這些都不必是最近發生的，你整個一生中的都行。此外，也沒必要是物理上的。我通常使用火狐軟件的剪貼薄來添加離線的消息：點擊并保存別人給與的友好的話語。
因此，當我感覺沒人關心我的時候，我會迅速地瀏覽一下”贊美集冊",并把所發生的事情記在腦海里：以前有人關心我，他們還會繼續關心我。或許最重要的是，通過意識到這些，我也開始關心我自己。這是一個從未立即發生過的過程。正如老生常談但又真實的諺語所說的，人不會突然間振作起來，這都是需要時間的。不過，事實就是這樣。
按照“怎樣變得富有”，Donald Trump保存了一盒紀念品，這多少和我所說的相似。他無疑是很愛他自己的。
放棄值得丟棄的東西
負擔是孤獨的同伴。有些人想擁有更多的社會生活，但這些都被激烈的競爭給破壞了，或者因自身所產生的恐懼而望而卻步。丟棄我通常所說的“廢物‘（享受生活所不必要的廢物），你就會有空閑去做更有意義的事情(保持閱讀！)。少些擔憂意味著更多自由來發掘自我和從事自己的興趣所在。
這為什么看起來是顯而易見的事情？因為事實就是如此。但它可能只在感情波動的某一時期如此，這樣你就能集中所有力量來解放你自己。
不要過度地思考—那會使事情變得更糟。如果你看了最近北京的奧林匹克體育競賽，注意有多少頂級的運動員(特別是體操運動員)有這種流動的沖勁，你會想他們是否會有意識地思考。正如許多杰出的演員所知，反復鍛煉被諧稱為“第二天性”，或者即將在過往經驗的基礎上有了突破，這和“肌肉記憶”一樣富有爭議。
當你發現你自己特別緊張或憂慮時，除了不愉快的時刻，你可以使用所有一切來改善自己的狀況。特別是當你在哭泣和特別痛苦時，找出值得保留的瞬間，像這樣來想象：你是一棟正在燃燒的房子。如果你能深入自己的內心并只能保存一些東西來成為一個嶄新的自己，它們會是怎樣的？
把它們紀錄下來，并且把清單放在一旁，直到你感覺更加理智。然后再看一看，并且把你現在的思緒和你所感覺到的集中起來。這會是一個真正非常具有啟發作用的鍛煉，并走上正路。
找出一些新的值得奮斗的事情
奮斗，我指的不是暴力，而是你能為之奮斗和堅持的目標。這里的“奮斗”是針對逆境而言的。你的目標可能是改善他人生活的寬容或者甚至是保存一份TV節目的活動。注意這些目標是怎樣要求其他人的參與的—他們的本質是社會性的，即使你可能沒有(也不會)想這么多。它們會讓你和其他人互相配合，感覺不那么孤獨。
被認為是一個標新立異的人和領導不是一個審慎的過程，你不必設立一個像這樣的目標。在一定程度上，這里所說的目標更多是你所感覺的滿足和幸福。
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